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Just Fuck Me

My wife and I have a pretty reasonable personal library in our home these days. Combined, I think we’re pushing close to a thousand volumes. Not huge. Certainly not on par with, say, Thomas Jefferson. But not bad for a relatively young couple. It’s a pretty solid mix of fiction, non-fiction, text books, you name it. We love knowledge, love reading, and love books.

However, I’ve somewhat switched non-fiction book buying tendencies in recent times. Once upon a time I tended to buy pretty much anything I was reading, or interested in reading. These days, I do a lot of browsing at the bookstores (or using Amazon.com’s “Search Inside” feature… proper application of this can often get you a pretty decent look at the meat of the book absolutely free). I’m a lot more exclusive about which books I pick up.

Why? Because I’ve discovered that a huge proportion of non-fiction books (I’d say in the 70-80% range) don’t contain any value once you understand what the main point of the book is.

Let me give an example: the “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” series. The main idea of the book is this:

1. You can conceptually divide everything you buy into two classes: “assets” and “liabilities.”
2. Forget the technical definitions of these terms. For the purpose of this book, “assets” are anything that generate net income. “Liabilities” are anything that costs money over time – or even that just fails to generate income.
3. If you want to get rich, spend your money on assets instead of liabilities.

Seriously, that’s it. Once you get that concept, there’s not really anything else of much worth in the entire book. Or, as near as I can tell from in-store browsing, the entire rest of the series.

Let me give another example: Just Fuck Me by Eve Kingsley. I have not read this book. I have not even browsed it at the store, and it doesn’t have “Look Inside” enabled on Amazon.com. All I’ve done is read the title and the product description on Amazon:

“You’re the Man… Act Like One!” Look, I know you’re not a mind reader, so I’m going to be blunt… The majority of women like to be fucked. And I mean really fucked. Yes, the media has lied to you. Sure, there are some women that want to lay on their backs, look into your eyes, and gently rock back and forth, but most of us want you to channel the power of the Sun through your penis and give us a good, solid pounding. Act like you want it, for God’s sake! In this book, I’m going to lay out exactly what the majority of women want and show you exactly how to give it to them. I’ve got a section just for you and one for your female partner, so you can feel 100% comfortable letting loose on her vagina in the way she’s secretly craving. Some of the topics we’ll cover… The Alpha Male – It’s more than just being an ex-fratboy douchebag, who still thinks he’s on the high school football team. I’ll clue you in. Dirty Talk – Trust me, she wants it. If she didn’t, she’d fuck a mime. Speaking of, did you know Marcel Marceau was divorced three times? Enough said. Role Playing – How she really feels about pretending to be the babysitter, a whore, and a student looking for a little “extra credit.” I’ll take you through the top 11 Alpha Male fantasies…including one so controversial, I can’t even mention it here. The Art of Being Assertive – Sack up and take control! What to do…and what not to do. Sexual Communication – Both you and your partner have needs and good communication, both verbal and non-verbal, is crucial when it comes to getting them on the table. I’ll show you how to communicate “Alpha Male Style.” You’ll learn what to say…and how to say it. Now that I’ve got you all hyped up and extremely aware of the need to please your woman, let’s go about succeeding at it. Let’s get down to brass tacks. What are you waiting for? Buy the book already! Eve Kingsley is a feminist writer based in San Francisco. She teaches couples how to push the boundaries of a sexual relationship to create new levels of honesty, intimacy, and trust.

A year ago I would probably have ignored this book entirely. Fortunately, I didn’t stumble across it a year ago; I stumbled across it a month or two ago. In the context of Game, this concept makes perfect sense.

At near the same time, I read this post by Roissy. Now, I have never sat down with a ruler and measured my wife’s anatomy. Nor do I have any real intention or desire to do so. However, the post resonated with me on a couple of levels.

* My wife isn’t that big on receiving oral sex. She doesn’t hate it, but it’s usually nothing special for her.
* Before I discovered Game, if you’d surveyed my wife after every session she would probably have ranked sex somewhere between “terrible” and “tolerable”, with the bulk of the ratings on the lower side of that.
* My wife has had enjoyable sex, but has never had an orgasm (yeah, kind of beta for me to admit that; anonymous blogging ftw).

Given all of that, she seemed like a prime candidate for the “long C-V distance” type that Roissy describes. Take these two ideas together (the “just fuck me” thesis and the “long C-V distance” thesis) and they come to a similar conclusion: maybe I need to alter my style and just go with it.

One last data point: my wife had always seemed to like sex better when it was a bit rougher. Again, pre-Game this made absolutely no sense to me. It conflicted with anything and everything I had ever been taught about female sexuality.

The scenario: The wife was trying to be generous and offering up sex even though she very clearly didn’t actually want it. It was late or latish, we were already in bed, and both tired. In the pre-Game days, this scenario also would likely include the fact that it had been many days, perhaps even weeks, since we’d done anything.

Old approach: “Are you sure you want to, dear? I don’t really want to push you into anything you don’t want, or hurt you if you’re not into it.” (Sexual discomfort was a very big problem for her for a long time, which was a big part of the “terrible” ratings.) Her: “Yeah, let’s just be quick and go to bed.” Either nothing happens because I back down or we spend 15-20 terribly awkward minutes before I have a somewhat lame orgasm and we both go to bed unhappy. Initial penetration is a long, slow, drawn out mess that’s typically very uncomfortable even though I’m trying my damndest not to hurt her. In my head, the whole time, I feel like I’m taking advantage of her.

New approach: “OK.” And I just go for it. Very light, very short foreplay, and then we go. Typically, she’s still somewhat dry. Penetration is quick. Like everything with Roissy, I find I have to tone it down a bit: I’m not just ramming it in. But… it’s pretty fast. Maybe 5-10 seconds. I’m much more aggressive, much more relaxed, and just go. Mental model has changed: now in my head I’m forcing myself to think, “she’s trying to do something nice for me. Just let her you idiot.”

The difference is huge. Bulletin 3 is, as of now, still true: she’s not yet having orgasms. But if you sampled her now, the ratings would range from “tolerable” to “good,” with an occasional “very good” thrown in there. Not where I want it to be – but an amazing difference. Penetration is sometimes still uncomfortable (though less often than I’d expected), and once I’m in she lubes up fast. Often she finds sex feeling at least somewhat good, even if she completely wasn’t in the mood at the beginning.

Another big change in our sex life: on average, it’s gotten a lot rougher. It’s still nothing like BDSM or anything – more or less vanilla sex, just on the rough side. I’ve moved past my mental block (and it really was my mental block) and accepted it, and discovered that hey, she was trying to tell me what she wanted all along and I should’ve just blocked society out of my mind. Thanks to the above, and to Athol, for helping me get past that block.

Best of all, as she starts enjoying sex more (or at least hating it less), she’s far more receptive to it, and even initiates a lot more often. As an example, we’ve now had sex every day for five days in a row. We talked about it last night, and neither of us could remember for sure but we came to the conclusion that this is either a record or tied for it.

The ideas in this post are only a part of what’s gotten us here. A lot else has contributed. I’m ridiculously busy these days, and this blog is relatively low priority in my life, but I do plan to share some further reflections in the future.

Also, I recognize that the current streak is probably a high point. I don’t think we’re at the point, yet, where daily or near daily sex is “normal” for our relationship. We’ll see how she’s feeling tonight. I’m going to make the attempt at a record breaker – but if it doesn’t happen, it was good while it lasted.

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Categories: Uncategorized
  1. August 19, 2010 at 3:01 pm | #1

    I have “Just Fuck Me” and it reads so slowly if you know about game lol. A third of the book is aimed at women explaining how it’s actually ok to like rougher sex.

    Thanks for the link love as well. Personally I just like to move towards having sex is the “default setting” in the relationship. I.e. we go to bed assuming we’re having sex and only pass on it if something is actively stopping it like illness, exhaustion yada yada yada.

    not every night has to be wonderful 10 out of 10 events. A lot of fun 5 and 6 nights are perfectly fine as well.

    • August 19, 2010 at 5:35 pm | #2

      It’s good to know that my intuition about the book was correct and that I didn’t waste my money on it.

      Link love is about the minimum I can do. You seriously have helped rescue my marriage. Wasn’t you alone – I’ve been keeping close tabs on a lot of other sites – but you’ve played a huge role. I think man-code dictates that I owe you a beer someday. ;)

      Every time my wife makes something quick and convenient for dinner she spends half the night apologizing that it’s not anything complicated or super awesome. I keep telling her that I’m perfectly fine with that and that not every single dinner has to be amazingly complicated and wonderful – I’m happy that she cooked something for me. And honestly, I don’t *want* something crazy fancy for dinner every single night.

      So yeah, I totally feel the same way about sex. I’m quite content to get it regularly – not every single time has to be a 10. The problem we had before was that we were barely having it at all, and it reaches a certain point where you begin questioning what the point of marriage is even if, like me, you love your wife so deeply it hurts.

      Frankly, I’m not even expecting anything like the current trend. I’m just happy that things are resembling a marriage again, rather than two roommates who just happen to share the same bed.

  2. August 19, 2010 at 7:15 pm | #3

    Beer is fine, though at some point I get the book finished and you can buy that as a thank you if you like.

    Glad to know I’ve helped.

    • August 21, 2010 at 4:39 pm | #4

      When that book comes out it’s money I’ll be happy to spend.

  3. JackAmok
    August 21, 2010 at 4:34 pm | #5

    Since I’ve been reading more about married game the last couple months, I’ve been paying more attention to these things. I’m pretty sure (need more data to be certain) that the harder and more rudely I fuck my wife, the happier she is the next day.

    After a night of “gentle lovemaking” I tend to wake up to her glumly eating a bowl of cerel on the couch and complaining that I didn’t do the dishes last night. On the other hand, If I had the headboard slamming against the wall and knocking pictures off the shelves, I wake up to her humming around a spotless kitchen, cooking me my favorite breakfast.

    • August 21, 2010 at 4:39 pm | #6

      I am noticing a similar phenomenon. It isn’t just the sex that’s better – she seems to be genuinely happier afterward.

      It makes perfect sense, of course. Sex is an important part of human life, and if she’s not getting it the way she wants it she’s going to be less happy – even if she doesn’t understand exactly what it is she’s not happy about. This actually ties in with some thoughts I’ve been working on for another post, so I’ll stop at that for now – but definitely a good observation.

  1. August 22, 2010 at 10:06 pm | #1
  2. December 23, 2010 at 4:32 pm | #2
  3. June 10, 2011 at 5:02 am | #3

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