My part of the South was hit Wednesday night by the worst tornadoes in our recorded history. All of my family and friends are fine, but like nearly a million others, we have no power at the moment (I’m updating from a smart phone) and they’re saying it might be a few days before we do, hence the quiet around here.
It’s been a busy week and I’ve found myself stressed at the end of the day and not much inclined to writing blog posts. But tonight I’ve been a bit inspired by Dalrock and his commenters. He asks people to share their happy marriage stories. I was going to do it in the thread with everyone else, but I just feel like I have more to say than that.
The first thing that really hit me was in the original post:
Every night I put our son to bed; no matter what is going on he always makes me laugh. Actually I make him laugh first by tickling him and he makes me laugh by being so contagious with his wide mouthed grin.
There are an awful lot of men in the manosphere who don’t have children. Some of them are betas or omegas who never had the chance. Some of them are PUAs who refuse to settle down. Some of them are MGTOWs who have consciously chosen to stay away from it. And some of them just haven’t gotten to it yet.
To all of those who have consciously chosen not to do so I just have to say that you’re missing out on one of the most amazing experiences you can possibly have. Yes, it’s cliche to say it. Yes, it’s a hell of a lot of work. Yes, children will “put a crimp on your style” (but nowhere near as much as you might think). Yes, it’ll cost you money (but again, you don’t have to spend anywhere near as much as people will make you think).
But then you have the moments like Dalrock describes, and they more than make up for it. There’s just no way to explain it to somebody who hasn’t felt it. If my marriage went to shit tomorrow and my wife took me to the cleaners I’d be pretty pissed, sure, and more than a little depressed. And I’d still consider it worthwhile every time I looked at the little guy. The conventional wisdom of our age is that pregnancy and/or wanting to have kids is a terrible reason to get married. I disagree. I think having children is the best reason to get married.
I can only imagine how much more excitement the new little one that’s on the way will bring.
I was also struck by this comment that Paige left.
My marriage has had a lot of hills and valleys. The valleys include: extreme poverty, job loss, homelessness, many cross-country moves to find jobs, cancer and chemotherapy, debilitating back injury and subsequent surgeries, frequent unexpected pregnancies, giving birth (twice) with husband overseas, homelessness, war, PTSD, trouble-making family members, drug-addiction (to subscribed pain meds), severe depression, bankruptcy, etc etc etc.
My own marriage hasn’t been perfect. Anybody who’s read this blog for any length of time knows that – if it had been perfect, this blog wouldn’t exist. But here are some things that have happened in the last two years that I haven’t talked about much on this blog:
…is obviously someone who doesn’t read my site a whole lot:
“There are some men out there who genuinely like women with short hair. Some of them aren’t pedophiles and a few are even heterosexual.”
What the fuck is it with you PUAs and your compulsive need to constantly shove your personal preferences down everybody else’s throats (usually with a heavy dose of shaming language)? Do you people just lie awake at night fuming at all the men who dare to prefer different women than you do? Go see a psychiatrist you fucking weirdos.
So are you a pedophile or just homosexual?
[Maybe I should be careful since he's proven that he obviously can't take a joke... Nah, where's the fun in that?]
I know this because I just had sex with a pregnant woman.
A while back I mentioned that my wife had been stuck in permanent PMS mode due to our transition (again) from a Standard American Diet (SAD) to a paleo style diet. My wife had a positive ovulation prediction test about two weeks ago. As has been mentioned, the fertile period of the month is a great one for the libido. Let’s just say, ahem, that it was a damn good weekend – but then, the results speak for themselves.
Update: Whoops, I almost forgot the most important part:
Do ya’ll see what I did? Oh yeah!
Although he has his alpha qualities (without them, his marriage wouldn’t have survived more than forty years), my father is, at heart, the very kind of beta provider that Marriage 1.0 was designed to protect and reward. He’s very, very good at the provider role. He’s worked his ass off most of his life. Now, with retirement near at hand, he’s been playing the role of slacker pretty hard. But if anybody’s earned it, it’s him. He’s also more than a little bit Aspie. On top of that my mother and her family are the biggest verbal advocates of “forget what other people think and be yourself” that I’ve ever met. By “verbal advocates” I mean “hypocrites of the first order,” because although they say all of that, they don’t actually pay attention to any of it when judging other people (except for one aunt of mine and her husband – they actually live what they preach).
One result of that combination is that I was brought up with a very specific mindset regarding wealth and status symbols. In particular, I was raised very thoroughly to not “waste” money on status symbols such as nice clothes, nice cars, good haircuts, iPads, designer handbags, etc. Those things are silly and wasteful and they’ll only get in the way of your acquisition of real wealth.
Part of me is glad for that upbringing. There are an awful lot of things that people spend money on, solely for status symbols, that they really don’t need. Even more, Game tells us that status symbols are only partially effective at their desired goal (for men, attracting women; for women, status jockeying with other women). In order to really gain status in the eyes of men and women alike you need attitude, demeanor, poise and more. In short, you need skill.
But Game has also taught me something else. After your basic needs are met, status is more important than wealth. This holds true in almost every conceivable way. Higher status will help you with women more than higher wealth will. Higher status will help you get more promotions (and hence more wealth). Higher status will get you deference from your community in a way that higher wealth won’t. Higher status will help your children with their own reproductive quest far more than wealth will.
To be sure, that still doesn’t mean it’s smart to just blow all of your money on status symbols. For one thing, wealth itself helps you get status just as status helps you get more wealth. For another, not all status symbols are created equal. It’s very helpful, for instance, to be able to choose cost efficient status symbols to purchase.
But at this point in my life it’s abundantly clear to me that a big part of the reason I had so much trouble with women in my teens and early twenties is directly attributable to my refusal to play the status game. I did better than my brothers. I honestly chose not to play. They just sucked at it. My sister, on the other hand, is actually pretty good at it. She just hasn’t figured out that men don’t give a shit about her status and never will.
The interesting thing I’m finding as I start to play the game, however, is that I’m actually pretty good at it. And if you’re good at it, it’s actually kind of fun…
A couple of thoughts for the weekend.
My wife had a one-on-one meeting with our priest this morning as part of our conversion to Catholicism. She came home and reported that he’d said the following (paraphrased):
You know, I’ve never had a woman come in here and tell me that she wants her husband to dominate her. But almost every single one has come in here and told me she wants her husband to lead. Sadly, the feminists in our church don’t seem to be able to understand the difference.
A few years ago I had a discussion with an old friend of mine. I’d known this guy since high school. He’s one of the two or three most natural alphas I’ve ever known, and he had quite the reputation in high school and afterward with the ladies. About four or five years ago, somewhat out of the blue (to me at least) he settled down and got married. Out of all the guys I know, he’s one that I think is actually fairly likely to stay married. He’s really settled down, for one. But he’s still got most of the alpha traits that probably attracted her in the first place. He relayed to me a conversation that he had with his minister (he’s protestant, but I don’t remember what denomination) during his premarital counseling. Again, this is paraphrased from memory.
My pastor told me to think of marriage like this. The wife gets one vote and the husband gets one vote plus a tie breaker. But the thing to remember is, the husband has a responsibility to use that vote only for what’s best for the family, not what’s best for himself.
Both thoughts are pretty much just traditionalist ways of explaining the captain and first officer model. Unfortunately, between declining church attendance and the feminization pussification of American churches, many Americans won’t even hear this message. Even more unfortunately, many of those who do hear it will dismiss it as old fashioned and out of touch.
On the other hand, Star Trek is such a huge part of our culture now that even non science fiction fans can relate to the metaphor. Just one more reason you should buy Athol’s book for all your married friends.
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011
Taking the Red Pill is a life changing event. Discovering The Misandry Bubble, and from it Roissy, Keoni, The Spearhead and others has directly changed not just how I look at the world but how I interact with it. My relationship with my wife is different. My relationship with my son is different. My relationship with my church, my school, my coworkers and my community are all different. All of these sites contributed. But none of them contributed as much as Athol Kay.
When I first started this blog a year ago, the manosphere was a different place than it is today. There was the Pick Up element, fronted by the likes of Roosh and Roissy, focused on hedonism and getting laid. There’s the “fiddle while Rome burns” community, ie In Mala Fide. There’s the MRA community, best represented by The Spearhead. There’s the MGTOW community.
Athol’s site was different. It wasn’t about hedonism. It wasn’t about The Decline. It wasn’t a bitchfest about how poorly men have been treated. Unlike Roissy who offered great advice about how to pick up a new woman every week, Athol was there to tell us how to make things work with the one we already had and loved. Unlike Ferdinand who was happy to detail the decline of civilization, Athol was there to tell us that maybe our families could still be OK – and here’s how. Unlike the Spearhead with its tales of divorce rape and more, Athol was there to tell us how to avoid that fate.
Don’t get me wrong. All of those sites serve important functions. I believe that the issues they raise and discuss are very real and have a very real impact on our lives. But I’m going to be honest. I’m not much of one for living the hedonistic life while civilization falls apart around me. Yet I also don’t know if I’m up for the task of saving the world. Some days I don’t even know if I care to. But I can save my own family -and I want to – and Athol played a huge role in showing me how.
In the time since I found it, Athol’s little corner of the manosphere seems to have grown. It seems to me that there’s now a small but significant community focused not just on married men and sex (some are not married and some are women) but on taking the dangerous knowledge of Game, the knowledge of what’s happening in the world around us and trying to make something constructive out of it – even if that “something constructive” is only self improvement or making our families a little bit happier. Call us the optimists, maybe. Whatever we are, I think Athol has been a major force that’s brought us together. Not the only voice, to be sure, but an important one.
So… the book. If you’re a long time reader of Athol’s blog, there won’t be much here that’s new to you. But what he has done is something much more important. He’s provided the content in a clear format that’s perfect for introducing to the average married guy (or his wife). Unlike the blog, it’s ordered and structured and follows a nice, logical progression. Somebody completely unfamiliar with the words Game, Alpha, Beta, SMV, DLV, DHV, etc can pick this book up and understand it. This isn’t a book about banging supermodels or movie stars. It’s not a book about being a Navy SEAL or a CEO. But it is a book about getting more sex out of your wife and being a better husband for her. And along the way she might just start treating you better and looking hotter, too.
The tone of the book, like that of the blog, is perfect for reaching Athol’s target audience: regular, everyday guys. Athol never adopts an antagonistic stance towards women, even when he’s describing their worst behaviors. Likewise, he manages to describe those behaviors in non-insulting ways. The result is that its average Joe male readers don’t have to live in fear of their wives blowing a gasket over them reading it. At the same time, Athol strikes a very good balance of honesty, directness and humor without getting excessively graphic. That makes his book very accessible to the everyman who might need things really spelled out for him every now and then, but probably isn’t really looking for a porn book. This is a book that a wife could buy for her husband, a woman could buy for her brother, or a mother could buy for her son. It’s also a book that a man might buy for his father, brother, or son – or his friends. Riding that line is a difficult balancing act, but Athol has pulled it off splendidly.
It is completely fair to say that Athol’s blog has helped transform my marriage. I live too far away to realistically buy him a beer as the Man Code demands, so I’ll be blunt: I’d have spent $20 on a book of blank pages if he’d put it out with this title. In my book, he’s already earned that. But for the men who haven’t been reading his blog, this book is worth the cover price and then some. I can all but guarantee that I’ll be providing copies of it to friends at some point. Well done, Athol.
In response to my post about pegging being a DLV, Athol said the following in a comment:
It’s funny how no one regarded the trying him up experience or the girl on top legs together thing as a DLV or when they both could possibly be viewed as such.
As it happens, I was planning to write about that anyway, so here goes.
Male sexual submission is also a DLV. But depending on the circumstances, you might just be able to get away with it. The biggest thing is the degree of the DLV. Depending on context and how extreme it is, male submission can run the whole range from being a very, very small DLV to being an extreme DLV. Pegging is, in my not so humble opinion, at the extreme end of male submission. It’s a nuclear DLV. You’re going to have to be pretty damn alpha to pull it off.
On the other hand, a night where your wife just takes the lead and focuses on teasing you and getting you off, without letting you do anything in response might only be a minor DLV. The average male is simply physically stronger than the average female, so we all know that 90% of the time or more this simply requires male submission. But on the other hand, the woman isn’t actually doing anything strange, odd, hurtful, demeaning or damaging. So any kind of DLV that comes from it is pretty small. In fact, if you frame it correctly (say, for example, that it’s framed as a horny wife who just can’t keep her hands off her hot husband) this can even transform from being a minor DLV to being a nice DHV.
Then, of course, there’s a whole range of stuff in between. Getting tied up, blindfolds, whips and chains, etc. The important question is if you’re alpha enough to get away with it. Athol himself finishes his comment with the following:
No couple is 100/0 male/female dominant/submissive. Jennifer and I are about a 85/15 split. Just enjoy the sex and mix it up a bit.
And that gets right to the heart of it. An 85/15 male to female split is probably pretty healthy. A 100/0 split is probably unhealthy for a long term relationship. Eventually the woman is likely to feel abused rather than submissive. But if you’re trending toward 50/50, 40/60 or, worse, 15/85 you’re in trouble thanks to the hypergamous instincts of women. I’d guess that the sweet spot is probably in the 60/40 to 85/15 range, depending on the couple. OK, the numbers thing is a little silly (and impossible to actually gauge), so think of this as a guideline and not as an exercise to sit down and actually do the math. The important thing to think of is that you want to be comfortable on the side of dominance, but not to the point of abusive.
If you’re in that range, a little bit of female dominance every now and then is probably not only OK but a healthy, fun way to spice things up a bit. If you’re outside that range you’re only making things worse for yourself. And even inside that range, regular and often full on female dominant BDSM or pegging is risky.
The general concept here applies completely outside of sex as well. The more alpha a guy you are in general, the more you can get away with the more beta behaviors. In a post on crying in front of your woman, Hughman left the following comment:
The one thing I hate about take the red pill is knowing you can never show weakeness unless it’s for ‘vulnerability game’.
To which Badger replied (correctly):
Hughman, remember that the more alpha you act, the more beta you can be.
Exactly the point I’ve been trying to make this week – with the added note that you must remember that some things are extremely beta and require a pretty hefty dose of alpha to recover from. Hence even if it’s something you really want or your woman thinks she wants, think twice.
I’m not really endorsing anal play, anal sex, or pegging. People have to make their own call there. However, since it’s been the topic of conversation and since neither Athol nor I mentioned it in our earlier posts, I’m going to take a minute to emphasize something very important.
If you’re going to engage in anal sex, pegging, or just anal play for God’s sake, be clean.
Sexual activity involving the anus and rectum don’t necessarily have to be smelly, filthy and germ ridden – but if you don’t follow proper hygiene, they will be. It’s a very easy way to spread some very nasty infections if you’re not careful. Again, I’ll point out that I don’t do this regularly (indeed, I haven’t at all), but really the hygiene here is 80% common sense.
Whoah boy. Fun topics. Athol had a post earlier this week about pegging. He doesn’t say so in the post, but I’m pretty sure it was meant as a response to this question in his comments. The post is pretty good as far as an introduction to anal play (says the man who’s never actually done that, only read about it). Some of the anonymous comments in his post trend toward the truly homophobic, but I think there’s a serious point to be made here.
To the vast majority of women, allowing her to peg you is going to be seen as a major DLV. I strongly suspect that most of the women who are the loudest about asking for it are seriously shit testing the men they’re asking. To the woman in the comments who asked the original question I would respond that even though she thinks she wants it, she’d probably lose massive amounts of respect for her husband if she actually got to do it. Pegging is a seriously submissive action. Even among gay men there’s a socio-sexual hierarchy centered around being “tops” and “bottoms.” Most women who are seriously asking for this are not convinced enough of your social dominance. I think this might even be the female equivalent of men’s wife sharing fantasies.
I preface everything with words like “usually” and “most” because there probably are a handful of people out there (men and women both) for whom this is a serious turn on. People have crazy fetishes. But my advice to any man whose wife asks him for this is Proceed Carefully. For 90% of men, the best response is probably to answer that you have no interest in it and never have. Some guys out there (yes, even some straight guys) are probably seriously into this. And occasionally you might run into that rare woman who just has an extreme fetish for this. In the latter case, if you’re not ready to participate in her fetishes, you do have to be prepared for her to find somebody who is. I have no idea how you’d tell the difference between a woman who’s shit testing you and a woman with a weird fetish, though. You’re on your own for that one.
If you do decide to go down this road (whether for her pleasure or yours), proceed with caution. Anal play (fingers, toys) is probably OK, especially if she’s allowing you to reciprocate and especially if you take control of it and frame it in a dominant kind of way (her pleasing you). But you should probably only allow actual pegging if you’re truly that secure in your masculinity, by which I mean that you’ve securely and undeniably established your alpha credentials already. Any pegging event should be both preceded and followed by some extra alpha activity. And I’d suggest keeping it as a novelty act, something done only rarely. And if it ends up leading to her losing respect for you… well, don’t say you weren’t warned.
In my own case this isn’t much of an issue. My wife has expressed that she really doesn’t have much interest in it at all, which is fine by me. I know her pretty well and her body language backs up the words – as opposed to her disinterest in “normal” anal sex, where her words say “I’m grossed out by that” and her body language says “I’m kind of curious but afraid to admit that even to myself.” I’ve come to the opinion that if she were prepared right and introduced to it in exactly the right way that she’d probably not just tolerate or even like anal sex but would likely really get off it (on the other hand, anything less than perfect preparation and execution would probably turn her off of it forever). But I believe that she’s really not interested in pegging at all. Like most women, she’s much more sexually submissive with the right man. If your wife wants to dominate you like that, be cautious. It’s most likely that you’re not the right man in her eyes.
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