Jumpin’ on the Long Hair Bandwagon

One more reason to love Dr. Who

I admit it, I’m just jumping on the bandwagon today. This started out as a comment on Athol’s blog but the comment got eaten. [Not sure if there's anything you can do about it, Athol, but that happens to me a lot.] I notice that Vox has already jumped on as well, and figured I’d just add another voice to the din now. What the hell.

Like Athol my initial attraction to my wife was helped along by a bottle of hair dye. My preference is for red hair rather than blonde. My wife had more than a touch of red in her hair as a kid, but it faded to a more normal brown by her late teens. Of course, modern hair dyes fixed that problem. At the time it was also quite long. Very nice.

There are some men out there who genuinely like women with short hair. Some of them aren’t pedophiles and a few are even heterosexual. But there really aren’t very many. I’d estimate that no more than 10% of all the men I’ve ever talked with on this subject (and I’ve talked with a lot) honestly like the short hair look. Less than half of them honestly prefer it.

I don’t know what women are smoking when they look at pictures of other women with short hair and say, “Oh, that’s cute.” I think part of it really is the whole, “Now my own relative sex rank has increased because she made herself look worse!” phenomenon. But that’s not all of it. I’ve known more than one woman (my wife included) to go on about how they actually want short hair and think it’s cute, but that they don’t think they can pull it off. Mostly they’re wrong on the cute part and right on the not pulling it off part.

There’s probably also some truth to the idea that women really want to be the kind of woman who can pull it off. Because let’s face it, if you can pull it off you’re probably pretty hot to begin with. Not very many women can really get away with it. In order to look good (as opposed to merely not bad) with a short hair style a woman really needs to meet the following condtions:

1. You need to be at or near your ideal body weight. Short hair does not look good on fat chicks, or even women with just a few extra pounds. Your face looks very obviously fat with short hair. Long hair will help disguise it. Short hair emphasizes it. If you’re overweight even a little, don’t cut your hair below shoulder length.
2. On the other hand, you need enough curves to actually look like a woman despite the short hair. If you have no hips or you’re excessively flat chested, don’t try the short hair. You’ll only attract the attention of certain kinds of lesbians, gay men and pedophiles.
3. There are boy styles and less-boyish styles in short hair. Go with a less boyish style. ‘Nuff said.
4. Even if you follow all of the above, be advised that to 90% or more of the men out there you won’t look as good as you would with long hair.

Plot? Sorry, I got distracted.

Most of the comments about keeping up with long hair are crap. I have long hair myself. I regularly get told by women how jealous they are of my hair, and that’s despite my receding hairline. Often they ask me how I keep it so healthy. I laugh every time because it’s so easy.

Wash it regularly. Brush it often – thoroughly when you’re getting ready in the morning, touch it up often throughout the day to keep it untangled. The touchups take seconds; just do it when you go to the bathroom when you wash your hands. I know there’s a brush in that massive purse you carry. Don’t fry it with all kinds of chemical shit. It may make your hair look better today but you’ll pay for it down the road. Blow dry it only when you really need to have it dry on a deadline, otherwise just let it air dry.

Take care of yourself physically. As Athol notes, hair health is a sign of overall body health. If your hair looks bad it’s time to rethink your diet, environment and lifestyle. Eat plenty of veggies. Stay in good shape. Keep clean, but try to avoid harsh chemical soaps, shampoos and conditioners. Most women over shampoo and over condition their hair. Excessive smoking, drinking and drug use will fry your hair. Really. Look at Lindsay Lohan over the past decade if you don’t believe me. I’ve seen it happen to other women that I know personally. This is true even as you age. Yeah, genetics play a role. But your lifestyle is just as important. We have a close family friend who is currently in her early 60s. She’s kept her hair slightly longer than shoulder length, and it looks fantastic. Yes it’s a little grey. Yes, it’s not quite as luxurious as a younger woman’s hair would be. It looks about a thousand times better than my mother’s Lego man haircut (she and my mother are just about the same age). The secret? She’s taken good care of herself.

My wife loves my long hair. I like it, too, but honestly I’d probably have cut it off years ago if she didn’t like it so much. I present myself well enough not to have too many issues, but even as a computer programmer it brings career issues with it. I’ve left a standing warning: if she cuts hers off, I’m cutting mine off. I have to reminder her every few years but so far it’s been effective. Like Athol, I’ve come to lover her hair in a non-natural color. I accept that this brings a price with it and I’m willing to pay it. Male readers take note: if you want your woman to keep long hair of your preferred color, it’s not free. Caring for long hair isn’t that bad. Keeping it dyed can add up. A professional dye job lasts longer and looks much better than the do it yourself kits, but they’re not cheap. And it really does need to be touched up about every six weeks. To me it’s well worth the cost. We had to give it up for a bit last year (as I’ve mentioned before, the Great Recession took its toll on us, and hair dye is a luxury not a necessity), but now that our income is stabilizing again we’ve added it back into the budget.

But yeah. Long story short: ladies, don’t listen to the other women. They don’t have your best interests at heart. Keep your hair long and put in the effort.

Update: The Lego man haircut, for those who aren’t familiar. Yes, my mother’s hair looks just like this. It’s truly god awful.

Lego man hair.