Where Are They Now?

A while back I left a post on my friend Clark. Things weren’t going so well for him and unfortunately he didn’t even seem terribly aware of the fact. Clark’s situation has gotten a little bit better in some ways, but unfortunately it’s gotten a whole lot worse in other ways.

Readers of the original post will recall that Clark’s wife earns between two and three times what he does. On top of that, Clark has a kind of soul sucking job for the state government. Soul sucking enough that when he first started it I told him that if he was still there in 20 years I was going to come kick his ass.

Quite understandably, Clark is starting to get fed up with this situation. Last spring he decided on a totally new career trajectory. This summer he started taking classes toward a new degree at one of the local state universities. Sounds good, right?

Not so fast. Clark’s new “calling” (a word he seems to use completely differently than the Catholics do) requires massive amounts of extra schooling just to break in. There is so little overlap between his current degree and his new interest that he’d have to take enough classes for a bachelor’s degree that it would be almost like starting over completely. Also because of the lack of overlap, he can’t really just jump in and go for a graduate degree. He’d have to take enough pre-requisite undergrad classes that it’s more or less the same. So we’re talking about basically three years of schooling if he went full time.

But did I mention that he’s married and has a daughter less than one year old? If you’re guessing that full time schooling isn’t happening, you’d be exactly right.

Oh, and his new “calling” won’t actually pay any more than he’s currently making. In fact, it might pay less. Now, in some cases that can actually be fine. Recall Roissy’s third commandment of poon: You shall make your mission, not your woman, your priority. If your income is low because you’re truly following a mission or calling, your woman very well might put up with it. In fact, under the right conditions it can be even more alpha than out-earning her.

But there’s a reason that I’ve been putting “calling” in scare quotes. No offense to my friend, but he’s been completely fooling himself here. The day we sat down for lunch and he outlined this plan he gave me some spiel about what his pastor outlined as necessary for a calling. Some mumbo-jumbo about where opportunity, means and desire overlap. Frankly, I think it’s bull. A calling is really simple: it’s what you feel you have to do, even if it’s a royal pain in the ass or nearly impossible. You know, when you’re called. Not when it’s something you maybe might wanna do if only you had the opportunity and means.

I (nicely) told him so, and gently hinted that this was an awful lot of schooling. Then I went home and told my wife that there was no way he’d be finishing it.

I saw Clark a couple of weeks ago and he’d finally acknowledged this truth. Unfortunately, this revelation came after he and his wife moved back to the town where they went to college together so that he could go back to school. She took a faculty job – a sideways move, maybe actually a backwards move in the long term. They’ve spun it to everybody else as if it’s a great career move for her, but he was rather honest with me (at first) about it really being so that he could go to school. Now they’re stuck in a tiny apartment down there, trying desperately to sell their house. Yeah, in this economy. Clark managed to transfer his current state job down there… only now he has a really long commute on top of a soul-sucking, low paying job.

Wait, did I say there was good news here? Well, there is, a little. First, Clark is finally seeming to realize that not all is right in paradise. He hasn’t exactly admitted it to me, but you can see it in his body language and hear it in his voice. His choice of words is letting it out, but only if you know to look. So at least he’s finally starting to see that something is wrong. Also, this move has seriously upset the nice, pretty SWPL life that they had. The net effect of that, at least in the short term, has been to make his wife infinitely more bearable. Some people just really don’t react well to money, and are just better people when they’re not very well off. Sadly she appears to be one of them.

The better piece of news, though, is that he’s looking into other career options. Right now he’s got himself convinced on one path that he probably also won’t stay on. There’s a good bit of schooling there as well, and the program itself is very competitive for admission. But it would result in a terminal degree (not a PhD, but the equivalent in this field) and a salary competitive with his wife’s. I don’t think he’ll stick with this plan, either, but at least he’s now thinking along somewhat more practical lines.

When they moved, I told Hermione that there were very good odds of Clark getting divorce papers in his stocking. Now that they’ve been there a few months, I think he’s got a bit more time left before that comes – but I still think it’s coming. Based on some things he said to me at our last meeting, I think he might even be open to being baby fed some Game concepts.

We shall see.

Male Submission is Also a DLV

In response to my post about pegging being a DLV, Athol said the following in a comment:

It’s funny how no one regarded the trying him up experience or the girl on top legs together thing as a DLV or when they both could possibly be viewed as such.

As it happens, I was planning to write about that anyway, so here goes.

Male sexual submission is also a DLV. But depending on the circumstances, you might just be able to get away with it. The biggest thing is the degree of the DLV. Depending on context and how extreme it is, male submission can run the whole range from being a very, very small DLV to being an extreme DLV. Pegging is, in my not so humble opinion, at the extreme end of male submission. It’s a nuclear DLV. You’re going to have to be pretty damn alpha to pull it off.

On the other hand, a night where your wife just takes the lead and focuses on teasing you and getting you off, without letting you do anything in response might only be a minor DLV. The average male is simply physically stronger than the average female, so we all know that 90% of the time or more this simply requires male submission. But on the other hand, the woman isn’t actually doing anything strange, odd, hurtful, demeaning or damaging. So any kind of DLV that comes from it is pretty small. In fact, if you frame it correctly (say, for example, that it’s framed as a horny wife who just can’t keep her hands off her hot husband) this can even transform from being a minor DLV to being a nice DHV.

Then, of course, there’s a whole range of stuff in between. Getting tied up, blindfolds, whips and chains, etc. The important question is if you’re alpha enough to get away with it. Athol himself finishes his comment with the following:

No couple is 100/0 male/female dominant/submissive. Jennifer and I are about a 85/15 split. Just enjoy the sex and mix it up a bit.

And that gets right to the heart of it. An 85/15 male to female split is probably pretty healthy. A 100/0 split is probably unhealthy for a long term relationship. Eventually the woman is likely to feel abused rather than submissive. But if you’re trending toward 50/50, 40/60 or, worse, 15/85 you’re in trouble thanks to the hypergamous instincts of women. I’d guess that the sweet spot is probably in the 60/40 to 85/15 range, depending on the couple. OK, the numbers thing is a little silly (and impossible to actually gauge), so think of this as a guideline and not as an exercise to sit down and actually do the math. The important thing to think of is that you want to be comfortable on the side of dominance, but not to the point of abusive.

If you’re in that range, a little bit of female dominance every now and then is probably not only OK but a healthy, fun way to spice things up a bit. If you’re outside that range you’re only making things worse for yourself. And even inside that range, regular and often full on female dominant BDSM or pegging is risky.

The general concept here applies completely outside of sex as well. The more alpha a guy you are in general, the more you can get away with the more beta behaviors. In a post on crying in front of your woman, Hughman left the following comment:

The one thing I hate about take the red pill is knowing you can never show weakeness unless it’s for ‘vulnerability game’.

To which Badger replied (correctly):

Hughman, remember that the more alpha you act, the more beta you can be.

Exactly the point I’ve been trying to make this week – with the added note that you must remember that some things are extremely beta and require a pretty hefty dose of alpha to recover from. Hence even if it’s something you really want or your woman thinks she wants, think twice.

Pegging is a DLV

Whoah boy. Fun topics. Athol had a post earlier this week about pegging. He doesn’t say so in the post, but I’m pretty sure it was meant as a response to this question in his comments. The post is pretty good as far as an introduction to anal play (says the man who’s never actually done that, only read about it). Some of the anonymous comments in his post trend toward the truly homophobic, but I think there’s a serious point to be made here.

To the vast majority of women, allowing her to peg you is going to be seen as a major DLV. I strongly suspect that most of the women who are the loudest about asking for it are seriously shit testing the men they’re asking. To the woman in the comments who asked the original question I would respond that even though she thinks she wants it, she’d probably lose massive amounts of respect for her husband if she actually got to do it. Pegging is a seriously submissive action. Even among gay men there’s a socio-sexual hierarchy centered around being “tops” and “bottoms.” Most women who are seriously asking for this are not convinced enough of your social dominance. I think this might even be the female equivalent of men’s wife sharing fantasies.

I preface everything with words like “usually” and “most” because there probably are a handful of people out there (men and women both) for whom this is a serious turn on. People have crazy fetishes. But my advice to any man whose wife asks him for this is Proceed Carefully. For 90% of men, the best response is probably to answer that you have no interest in it and never have. Some guys out there (yes, even some straight guys) are probably seriously into this. And occasionally you might run into that rare woman who just has an extreme fetish for this. In the latter case, if you’re not ready to participate in her fetishes, you do have to be prepared for her to find somebody who is. I have no idea how you’d tell the difference between a woman who’s shit testing you and a woman with a weird fetish, though. You’re on your own for that one.

If you do decide to go down this road (whether for her pleasure or yours), proceed with caution. Anal play (fingers, toys) is probably OK, especially if she’s allowing you to reciprocate and especially if you take control of it and frame it in a dominant kind of way (her pleasing you). But you should probably only allow actual pegging if you’re truly that secure in your masculinity, by which I mean that you’ve securely and undeniably established your alpha credentials already. Any pegging event should be both preceded and followed by some extra alpha activity. And I’d suggest keeping it as a novelty act, something done only rarely. And if it ends up leading to her losing respect for you… well, don’t say you weren’t warned.

In my own case this isn’t much of an issue. My wife has expressed that she really doesn’t have much interest in it at all, which is fine by me. I know her pretty well and her body language backs up the words – as opposed to her disinterest in “normal” anal sex, where her words say “I’m grossed out by that” and her body language says “I’m kind of curious but afraid to admit that even to myself.” I’ve come to the opinion that if she were prepared right and introduced to it in exactly the right way that she’d probably not just tolerate or even like anal sex but would likely really get off it (on the other hand, anything less than perfect preparation and execution would probably turn her off of it forever). But I believe that she’s really not interested in pegging at all. Like most women, she’s much more sexually submissive with the right man. If your wife wants to dominate you like that, be cautious. It’s most likely that you’re not the right man in her eyes.

Trading for Sexual Favors

Trading work for sexual favors is generally considered a beta trait and rightly so. It sends several not so subtle messages that kill attraction. It reinforces a perception by both parties that sex is a reward for good behavior rather than a normal part of the relationship. It puts sexual control (and hence relationship control) firmly in the hands of the woman. It’s submissive: yes dear, I’ll do what you want.

Like most rules, however, there is an exception. Trading work for sexual behaviors can be neutral if one of the following conditions is met and can even border on alpha if both of the following are met.

• The trade must be playful and teasing. This non-verbally acknowledges that it’s not actually a trade, it’s just a game. The trade then becomes a kind of foreplay.
• The trade must be for something you could’ve been talked into doing anyway, and both parties must realize that. Again, this frame reinforces that it’s not really a trade at all. It’s just playful banter to get ready for the main event.

You have to be careful about playing this game too much, however, because then the woman will start to push for more. She’ll try and push for it to go beyond the game and into the actual trade territory again, which you must not let it become.

Contrast

One of my friends has a new girlfriend. He’s a super nice guy. Honestly a nice guy, not a “nice guy” in the LJBF sense. The problem is, to the vagina they are one and the same thing. He’s a wonderful case study of this exact phenomenon, as every relationship he’s had since I’ve known him has basically ended after his nice guy routine snapped his then-current girlfriend’s vagina shut.

The other day we got an e-mail from a different friend sent to a large group inviting folks to an activity. Friend A’s response was that he couldn’t come because he had to work a shift in place of his sick girlfriend (they work at the same place). My wife told me it was a very whipped thing for him to do.

I got to thinking about it myself and I’m of a slightly different opinion. The thing that came to mind is Dalrock’s latest post about chivalry. If a very Alpha guy did something like this it would be very sweet and come across that way. When a very Beta (borderline Omega) guy like our friend does it, it just comes across as sad. The power is in the contrast.